Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
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