is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
