dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
