i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
