It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
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The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
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Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
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