I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
My ATM looks so different sober.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Randomize
