M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
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