Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
