Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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