I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
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