just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
She just used a chaser for red wine.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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