My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Randomize
