This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
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