Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Use "feeling words"
Yay
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Randomize
