why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
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