Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Randomize
