Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
