don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Randomize
