somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
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He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
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We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Randomize