I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
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