I ahte it when I peed a little on my shews. I got a litll bit on the automen in your room too.:/
Tracy!! I don't have an ottoman in my room.
Ohhh....do you have a dog shaped liek un automan?
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
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