dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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