my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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