The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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