Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Randomize
