Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Randomize
