this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Randomize
