You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Randomize
