my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
