Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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