I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
