Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
