saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Randomize
