Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
