My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Randomize
