On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Randomize
