It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Randomize
