soooo we both peed the bed last night...
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
