why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
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