We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
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