i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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