I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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