Plan B is the new Plan A
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
Randomize
