go do what you do best...puke behind churches
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Randomize
