Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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