I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Randomize
