the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
