I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
If I had your ass I would rule the world
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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