I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
