How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Life without a bra equals bliss.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
