i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Randomize
