New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Randomize
