We're facebook friends in real life
I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
