I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
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