sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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