You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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