So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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