Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
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