Joe is yelling at the trees again.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
