We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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