ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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