All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Randomize
