they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
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