3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
